Josh First's Blog

Soccer…nope

With the FiFi or FAFO or FIFA or whatever the hell soccer thing it is that is happening right now in America, Americans are being offered a front seat view of a sport that never caught on here. Soccer is big everywhere else around the world, because you just need an inflated ball, and bingo, you have a game.

Well, please allow me to set straight the wondrously gawking European guests here right now about our sports choices here in America: We like blood and guts and body armor.

Football (which soccer is not and never will be) is America’s official sport even more than baseball. Because our football involves military level strategy, tactics, gear, and military level hand to hand combat, it best captures the imagination of high testosterone men. Had the NFL not politically and culturally abandoned high T men, and patriotic men, and self respecting straight men, it would still be broadly popular.

But even in its deliberately weakened state, American football remains far more manly and exciting to watch than a bunch of too-skinny guys, who wear skinny jeans when not running in circles for pay, run up and down up and down up and down and around the damned field over and over. In soccer, whenever there is any manly contact, the referee starts effeminately tossing rainbow colored flags all over, the guys all stand around bitching and whining and gesticulating, and then it’s over. People start running in circles again.

Soccer is incredibly boring. I feel bad for those cultures that believe soccer is exciting. Watching paint dry must be one of their other national sports. In American football, men settle disputes in manly ways: People get dragged, carted, or helped off the field, such is the damage. That is true manly combat and contest, it is cool, it is exciting, and it is far superior to soccer.

Yeah, Europe has its rugby, which is manly, and bloody, grant you that. But it is also an ill-disciplined anarchic gang fight blur, which American cities have daily, for no charge. It impresses us Americans a little bit more than soccer, which will never catch on here.

Welcome to America, European cousins! Don’t forget to branch out your interests while you are here, beyond accepting that our American football is THE football. Shoot some guns, eat some red meat, enjoy your freedom, then take some manly toughness and defiance back home with you. God knows, ever-more autocratic Europe needs a huge dose of manliness, testosterone, and American style football-and-six shooter-style frontier justice from its people right now.

Glad you guys came here for the soccer, and left with your own must-have list of guns. Don’t forget to buy a Stetson cowboy hat on your way out, too. You want the EU bureaucrat people back home to know you mean business.