Josh First's Blog

The super power of apology

This blog is not a confessional or a tabloid. Our three readers will not enjoy prurient views into my private life. But once in a while we have to toss a tidbit to those three loyal readers, just to keep them coming around once in a while, so here it is.

Last week I said “I am sorry” to someone I care about a lot, but whom I had not treated with the kind of “care in handling” I would expect to do now or want to receive from someone else. The infraction was done decades ago. Yes, I am now so old that my doofus mistakes and selfish oversights are, generally, decades old.

And for decades a little voice had nagged at the back of my mind, “You owe that person an apology. You need to say you are sorry. SAY IT.”

This subconscious voice and its clarion message of redemption for all parties involved was accentuated annually in the Fall, every Fall, for years and years. And it became louder and louder, until one day I could no longer do what most adults are so good at doing: Ignoring things that are embarrassing or painful. I had to own up to a personal failing at a critical moment with someone vulnerable to my actions.

Thankfully, this person has a (one) social media account, and fortunately, this person is far more mature than I am and is better natured than most people would be, when dealing with a Johnny-come-lately lout seeking forgiveness. This person responded pretty quickly, and welcomed the opportunity to speak.

Some days later I got the call, and I was able to say forthrightly, person-to-person, voice-to-voice, what should have been said many, many years ago. I said I am sorry for x, y, z and some other loutish behavioral problem child kind of stuff. And this wonderful person, for whom my feelings and admiration have never dimmed, was gracious and wise, accepted the apology, and asked about my kids. I got a lesson in grown up relationships, and I felt literally a hundred pounds lighter when we hung up the phone.

One imagines that the other person quietly enjoyed knowing that I had been bothered for all these years, and was not uncaring, but had been simply immature. Know this, K: I am still immature. But remorseful.

If you have hurt someone, intentionally or by mistake, recently or in your young adulthood, take my advice and say you are sorry to them. It is powerful medicine. It heals both parties. Take the opportunity while you are still compus mentus, still capable of remembering to open your fly when going to pee, and don’t put it off. If that person was angry at you, or hurt by you, they will have at least some grudging admiration for you, if you take that step to bring some healing.

People have conflicts. This is human nature. People make mistakes, this is human nature and we all know it and we all readily accept it when we make those mistakes. After all, we make those faulty decisions because of whatever was going on in our mind at that time. Those mistakes make sense to us.

What is rare is to step up, own up, and take ownership and responsibility for the stupider mistakes we have made, by recognizing the other person’s experience at our hands. The avoidable ones. The careless ones. The unnecessarily hurtful ones. The immature ones. Not talking about principled stands here, or legitimate disagreements about policy, law, values, etc, but just simple personal acts that we all do, that did not go the way we would have wanted them to go, had things been handled better.

But this should not be a rare or difficult thing to do. It is easy and it feels good. Thank you, dear old friend, I finally feel like a grown up man, thanks to your willingness to hear me out. I feel like I might even have had a hidden super power all these years. Glad I finally got to use it.