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Kansas City Chiefs declared Super Bowl Winner after 4AM Point Recount

The one hundred thousand or so people actually watching the fake Super Bowl LIV (54) last night may have thought that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the game over Kansas City handily after the conclusion of the four-quarter game time, but when they awakened this morning, they learned otherwise.

Kansas City was declared the actual winner of Super Bowl LIV this morning after a reportedly contentious point score recount that began after the game’s closing festivities. Apparently the point score recount ended some time around 4:00 AM EST, and Kansas City was declared the game’s winner. The actual process for engaging in the point recount remains murky, but a couple public statements from people involved in it provide some possible answers.

“Last night, KC’s Patrick Mahomes was set to be the youngest NFL quarterback to ever win a Super Bowl, and many back-room observers felt deeply that he deserved to have this win, even if he did not actually win the game,” said NFL Spokesman Mara Meriba.

“Besides, Tom Brady already had six Super Bowl wins before winning this game, and he really did not need another win. Therefore, a multiple-angle-approach recount of the points gained and likely lost to severely aggressive personal fouls by Kansas City players was implemented,” said Meriba.

“After all the recounting and analysis, it was deeply felt the correct thing was to punish the two best players of the game, Tom Brady and Ron Gronkowski, for their obvious “white” privilege that caused them to unfairly win the artificial points and touchdowns thingy,” Meriba said.

Another person close to the late-night recount, a Carl M. Arks of the NFL’s Oversight and Gulag Committee, said “White supremacy has no place in the NFL, and so despite the initial mistaken result giving the game win to Tampa Bay, our heretofore-unknown committee decided that redistributing the win to Mahomes and Kansas City was the morally superior step to take. Anyone within the NFL who questions this outcome will receive a one-way plane ticket to China,” he said.

Kansas City quarterback Patrick Mahomes was reached at his home for comment early this morning, and when informed of his new win he responded “Say what? But I…we…didn’t…” and then his voice was suddenly replaced with one sounding a lot like Carl M. Arks that said “We are pleased with the outcome of this collective decision making process. Have a nice day.”

And so some time this week the Tampa Bay Buccaneers players will have to meet with the Kansas City Chiefs and turn over their Super Bowl LIV rings and other swag they thought they won fair and square by playing by the established rules set before the game started.

In related news, public polls this morning indicate that this year’s Super Bowl ads were the most confusing ever in the show’s history, the cardboard cutout fake fans in the stands gave 94% of the watching children nightmares, and that the halftime show sent so many mixed messages and symbols that over half of the TV watchers reported having bad headaches immediately after watching it.

Proof that bigotry is moronic, cowardly

A Jewish Community Center in Kansas City is attacked by a Ku Klux Klan guy. He shoots several innocent, unarmed, unprepared people there while yelling about how great Adolph Hitler was. Three people are dead, two of whom are confirmed to be Methodists, the third Catholic.

Not Jewish.

The murderer’s target group wasn’t there. Their Christian friends and neighbors were.

This attack also demonstrates how integrated America is: Christians celebrating at a Jewish run facility; how religious and skin color differences are easily bridged, much more often than not.

My deepest condolences to the families of the victims. My request to bigots: Wake the hell up, knock it off.